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Tuesday, December 7, 2021


 Well, I'm back in town. In fact, I've been back in town for four weeks now. This has not been an easy blog post to write. Nor is it the blog post that I expected that I would be writing when I got back. I'll explain why, but along the way I'll need to confess something. And I should make it abundantly clear, if it's not clear already, that this isn't going to be a typical, cheerful update. No sexy outtakes or hot BTS footage here. This one's a bit of a downer. In fact, it's kind of uncomfortably personal. You might want to skip it.

So I woke up the day after I got home, ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work, tackling the backlog of emails and blog comments that had accumulated while I was away. I sent a few quick email replies before turning my attention to the blog. The first comment that I saw mentioned that a player I'd had a back in 2009 named Erin was a model who went by the full stage name Erin Taylor. That's true, but I thought I remembered mentioning that before, so I did a search of the blog for that name, expected to find my earlier mention. It turned out that I was wrong and I hadn't disclose her name on the blog before, but somebody else had, and what I found horrified me. And here's where the confession comes in.

I've said before that I'm sick and getting sicker. I think I called it a "neurodegenerative disorder" but there isn't much point in being coy; it's multiple sclerosis. What I haven't said before is that this illness is comorbid with certain mental disorders which have significantly impacted my capabilities. Now, back in the 1900s when I was growing up, this would've been a pretty shameful admission due to the tremendous stigma attached to mental illness, but they say things are different now. Anyway, my particular crazy can make me feel extremely strong aversion to things that make me uncomfortable, to the point where it causes physical nausea to focus on them and the temptation to focus on literally anything else is overwhelming. Worse, trying to get back to something I've been avoiding because it makes me uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, leading to self-perpetuating cycles. Often the only way I can break the cycles is to just wipe the slate clean and move on.

Again, when I was a kid, this would merely have been considered a massive character flaw, but if I can absolving myself of moral culpability for my shortcomings by blaming them on mental illness, then by God I will. This particular massive character flaw has cost me very dearly over the years.

The point of telling you all this is to explain that when I went looking for the name Erin Taylor on this blog, I found a blog comments that I had never seen before because it had been posted during a period when I was "frozen." And again, when I saw horrified me. People were talking about the real names of several of my players, including many who were amateurs, not professional models.


Fuck. Everything above the line was written literally two weeks ago, then I got frozen again. Still kind of am, so I'm just going to post this as is and try to get back to it later. The short of it is that I'm really bummed that a bunch of my players got doxxed.