[I will reply to comments on the last blog post and the one before it here.]
One of the reasons I've found these so hard to write is that I don't want to sound insincere, but every time I try to express my honest gratitude towards the fans, it comes out so syrupy and effusive that it reads like it must be overblown hyperbole, yet it still doesn't go far enough. Here I try again.
There are many ways to see my content on the Internet for free. Some of them are perfectly legitimate, others are less so. So if you've only ever seen my content through free resources, if you've enjoyed my work without paying me a single thin dime, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I love you. I am deeply grateful to you and to every single one of my fans, whether or not they've paid me, and I'll tell you why. But not right now. This post is a special thank-you to the people who have financially supported my work. This is for the thousands of people (I still can't believe it) over the years who have either bought a clip from one of the clip store or subscribed to the sister site lostbetsgames.com. In the next post, I'll talk about why I'm grateful to all the fans, but these words are just for the paying ones
(But everyone is welcome to say whatever they want to say or ask whatever they want to ask in the comments, paid or not.)
You. I owe it all to you. Everything, all through this whole unbelievable journey, it's all been thanks to you. Every one of the awesome experiences I've had, I've had because of you. Every one of the amazing sights I've seen, I've seen because of you. Every one of the incredible people I've met, I've met because of you. Because of you, I could bring my entire family to Las Vegas to celebrate my parents's wedding anniversary. I was able to make my sister smile more brightly than I'd seen her smile since her divorce by surprising her with front-row tickets to her favorite musical, because of you. There is no way, by word nor deed nor skywrating, that I could ever be able to adequately express how grateful I feel to all of you. No matter how much you think it is, you're wrong; it's more.
So I hope you understand why I got weirded out when you thanked me. From my perspective, you were showering me with amazing gifts, and thanking me for it. "Here, have some money, and thank you!" "Here, have some more money, and thank you so much!" "Here, take your family on a vacation they'll remember for the rest of their lives, and you're doing such a great job, keep it up!" "Here, here's the down payment for a house, and you are so great! We are so lucky to have you!"
You can maybe see why it's taken a mental adjustment for me to get comfortable with this, and all I can do is say, um, you're welcome. You're welcome for all the gifts you have given me, of which I haven't enumerated half. You're welcome for all the money, and the house, and the car, and the other car, for my ex-wife. You're welcome for giving me the opportunity to hobnob with porn stars and see hundreds of young women naked. You're welcome for all the applause and acclaim and admiration and appreciation and adulation, and those are just the ones that start with "A". You're welcome for bringing me into contact with so many people who had such a profound impact on me.
You're welcome for changing my life. All of you, every single one. Every time somebody bought a clip or a subscription, I regarded it as a huge compliment. So many people try to sell their creative output, so many would-be singers and musicians and authors and artists and actors and filmmakers. Very few succeed, and I was one of the lucky ones. I've heard that some of the other few lucky successful creatives actually don't like their fans, and I don't understand it at all. How can you feel anything but deep gratitude and love towards the people who make it possible for you to do what you do? I guess some of them must have fan bases that are much more toxic than I, a pornographer, have, but still…
Okay. It's getting late and I guess that's enough for now, but one last thing. Some people have asked about my future plans, whether I was going to do any more shooting. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not. I'm disabled and retired. It's out of the question." Now, after receiving so much support and encouragement, I've gone from "absolutely not" to "probably not." There are still some good reasons it's unlikely to happen. But I won't say never.