Yikes

 Well, I'm back in town. In fact, I've been back in town for four weeks now. This has not been an easy blog post to write. Nor is it the blog post that I expected that I would be writing when I got back. I'll explain why, but along the way I'll need to confess something. And I should make it abundantly clear, if it's not clear already, that this isn't going to be a typical, cheerful update. No sexy outtakes or hot BTS footage here. This one's a bit of a downer. In fact, it's kind of uncomfortably personal. You might want to skip it.

So I woke up the day after I got home, ready to roll up my sleeves and get to work, tackling the backlog of emails and blog comments that had accumulated while I was away. I sent a few quick email replies before turning my attention to the blog. The first comment that I saw mentioned that a player I'd had a back in 2009 named Erin was a model who went by the full stage name Erin Taylor. That's true, but I thought I remembered mentioning that before, so I did a search of the blog for that name, expected to find my earlier mention. It turned out that I was wrong and I hadn't disclose her name on the blog before, but somebody else had, and what I found horrified me. And here's where the confession comes in.

I've said before that I'm sick and getting sicker. I think I called it a "neurodegenerative disorder" but there isn't much point in being coy; it's multiple sclerosis. What I haven't said before is that this illness is comorbid with certain mental disorders which have significantly impacted my capabilities. Now, back in the 1900s when I was growing up, this would've been a pretty shameful admission due to the tremendous stigma attached to mental illness, but they say things are different now. Anyway, my particular crazy can make me feel extremely strong aversion to things that make me uncomfortable, to the point where it causes physical nausea to focus on them and the temptation to focus on literally anything else is overwhelming. Worse, trying to get back to something I've been avoiding because it makes me uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, leading to self-perpetuating cycles. Often the only way I can break the cycles is to just wipe the slate clean and move on.

Again, when I was a kid, this would merely have been considered a massive character flaw, but if I can absolving myself of moral culpability for my shortcomings by blaming them on mental illness, then by God I will. This particular massive character flaw has cost me very dearly over the years.

The point of telling you all this is to explain that when I went looking for the name Erin Taylor on this blog, I found a blog comments that I had never seen before because it had been posted during a period when I was "frozen." And again, when I saw horrified me. People were talking about the real names of several of my players, including many who were amateurs, not professional models.

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Fuck. Everything above the line was written literally two weeks ago, then I got frozen again. Still kind of am, so I'm just going to post this as is and try to get back to it later. The short of it is that I'm really bummed that a bunch of my players got doxxed.

AFK, again

 Folks,

I'm out of town for the next few weeks and will have limited conductivity. Will try to check in from time to time, but again, no promises.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Or can you?

Over the years I've said a lot about the players and their backgrounds, and I've tried to be as truthful as I could be. I'm not going to swear that I've never stretched the truth nor even outright lied, but I can't think of a specific instance when I did and it certainly wasn't my practice. I don't like to lie, partly for ethical reasons but mostly because I am terrible at it. (I always forget lies I've told and end up contradicting myself and giving myself away.) And I generally didn't need to, because the truth was plenty awesome enough. Jacqueline really was my next-door neighbor. Lumen, Jelly, and Fern really were the 18-year-old high school classmates of the daughter of a woman I dated. The circus folk from the circus folk episodes were really circus folk. I was proud of these facts and excited to share them. There was no need to embellish.

But this posed a problem when people asked specific questions about specific players whose backgrounds weren't so innocent.  What was I supposed to say when somebody asked, "Soandso looks so sweet and shy and innocent. Was she really so embarrassed to strip naked?" Should I have said, "Actually, there's footage elsewhere of Soandso literally fucking a trailer hitch?" Or, "I didn't ask and can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that Soandso is a prostitute?"

What I usually did in such cases was either plead ignorance or give an answer that was truthful yet incomplete. I'll give an example, and I'm sorry if this shatters anybody's illusions, but: Sheri and Zahara. Everything I've said about them is true. Tobi really did originally meet them as customers in her bar. And both really had never been naked on video before, or at least so they told me. But they were in Tobi's bar because they had just finished their shifts at the strip club where they both worked. Neither was unaccustomed to exposing her naked charms to strangers for money. And they might even have moonlighted as "escorts", as many strippers do. I didn't ask and they didn't tell, but they were pretty unfazed when I asked them about hardcore forfeits.

Now, should I have said this back then? Should I have said it just now? I don't know, and I'd like your opinions. Again, I'm exceedingly proud of all the true amateurs I was able to recruit, but not every player was a blushing innocent. Should I be fully candid about the ones who were not? I was even reluctant to disclose that I met so many of my players at a convention for kinky people.

Finally, to reward you for reading this far, here's a clip I'm sure many of you will be overjoyed to see:

LBOuttakes 20120606 Fern sucks your dick for five minutes

I had totally forgotten about this footage until I went digging around through the depths of the Shoots folder to see what I could find. I'm aware that I definitely coulda and probably shoulda charged for this. I woulda, but I still feel like I owe some gifts to the fans. If you really feel like you should pay for this, I will cheerfully accept tips via PayPal (or Venmo, or whatever the kids are using these days, I suppose) at red@lostbets.com. But really, unless you plan to throw a big bill in the jar, I'd rather you just paid it forward. Make a waiter's day with an extravagant tip, or something.

But I will probably need money sooner or later. I've been procrastinating on setting up a Patreon, where patrons would get early access to these outtakes and a priority hold of my ear when it comes to which outtakes should be produced next. I should get on that, and I will. But frankly, I'd rather try to squeeze windfalls from a wealthy benefactor or two then try to squeeze a few bucks from thousands. Statistically, some of you are probably very, very comfortable financially. If that's you, and you'd be interested in paying a ridiculous sum to acquire a genuine artifact of lostbets.com history, hit me up at the above email.

(Ugh. I feel dirty.)

More outtakes

 Got a few more outtakes for you guys. Hope you like them.

The first one was shot in the dressing room after Episode 446. Catherine regales Lizzie and Tara with the story of the forfeit she was forced to do in Episode 332.

LBOuttakes 20140805 Catherine tells Tara and Lizzy about an embarrassing forfeit

The next clip, a brief one, came right after we stopped filming Episode 180, one of the first POV's I ever shot. Kandie had to masturbate at the end, and before we started filming, she asked me how long she should masturbate for. I told her to just do it until she came. She warned me that she doubted she could actually get turned on and make herself cum doing it for a camera. I told her to just do her best, and if it started going on for too long, I'd interrupt and we'd talk about having her fake it.

It didn't go on for too long.

She had only been at it for a couple of minutes when certain loud slurping sounds, clearly audible from where I stood behind the camera, made it obvious that she could indeed get turned on masturbating for a camera. Not long after that she brought herself to an orgasm so massive that it left her spasming and embarrassed. This clip is just a few seconds of her staggering off afterword, still blushing and glowing.

LBOuttakes 20100515 Kandie embarrassed after masturbating to orgasm

The last one is a gift for the many, many fans who have asked over many years to see more of Kodak. In Episode 237, she and Cody had to do some naked exercises, including jumping jacks. You could see them in the episode, but we had several cameras running and caught the action from several different angles. And here they all are. 

LBOuttakes 20110726 Kodak and Cody doing jumping jacks from multiple angles and in slo-mo

You're ALL welcome

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. I've been working on this post on and off for more than a week, and I keep deleting and rewriting, and screw it. I'm just going to go through this once more and then post it. It does get a little rambling and a little weird, but so be it.

By the way, answers to all previous blog post will appear here. 

My last post was dedicated to thanking everybody who's paid money for my work. I said at the time that I was deeply grateful to every fan, whether or not they've paid me, and that I'd explain why later. Now is later, and the best explanation can be found, believe it or not, in a song by VeggieTales. If you know what VeggieTales is, stifle your gasps, I can explain. (I did say that this gets weird.) If you're not aware, VeggieTales is a series of animated cartoons for children starting a cast of anthropomorphic vegetables. The makers of the show are evangelical Christians, and the tales usually have a biblical theme and/or moral. (I am not a Christian, but some parts of Christianity really appeal to me, especially the parts about loving thy neighbor, judging not, and doing unto others.) I first became aware of VeggieTales when I spotted the VHS at Blockbuster and figured that an animated children's cartoon about Christian vegetables would be a fine thing to enjoy stoned, and I was right.

The song in question was the climax to a retelling of the parable of the good Samaritan with vegetables, and it included these lyrics:

If you see someone who's hurt or in need,
Maybe it's time to perform a good deed,
And when you're finished, you'll find that it's true,
When you make them feel better, you'll feel better too!

It's that last line that gets to me and really rings true. Making people feel good feels good, and that's not even limited to only those who are "hurt or in need." I like it when I can help make somebody's day just a little bit better than it otherwise would have been. I especially like thinking that because I've made somebody's day a little better, maybe they'll go on to treat the other people they deal with later in the day a little better than they otherwise might have, and all those people will in turn go on to have marginally better days, and so on. 

Imagine that Earth has a global happiness score, consisting of the sum of every human being's individual happiness, quantified somehow. One's net effect on this global score is, I think, a good measure of the value of one's life. It's not the only measure, to be sure, and maybe not the best one, but a good one. 

That is why I am so deeply grateful to every single fan of my work. Merely by deriving some quantity of enjoyment from my work, you make my life more worthwhile. Maybe that's a lot of philosophical baggage to put on some dirty movies, but this whole thing started in 2007 when a major life event impelled me to a more philosophical outlook in the first place. And I derive a great deal of personal satisfaction from knowing that I'm contributing to total global happiness.

EDIT: I lied, I'm answering earlier blog comments in the posts in which they were made. If you are waiting on an answer to an earlier comment, look for it there. Just don't add anything new, please

AFK

 Folks, I'm going to be out of town for the next two weeks. I will do my best to be able to post on this blog and/or publish more outtakes/BTS, but no promises. That goes for everybody own email too.

You're welcome

[I will reply to comments on the last blog post and the one before it here.]

One of the reasons I've found these so hard to write is that I don't want to sound insincere, but every time I try to express my honest gratitude towards the fans, it comes out so syrupy and effusive that it reads like it must be overblown hyperbole, yet it still doesn't go far enough. Here I try again.

There are many ways to see my content on the Internet for free. Some of them are perfectly legitimate, others are less so. So if you've only ever seen my content through free resources, if you've enjoyed my work without paying me a single thin dime, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I love you. I am deeply grateful to you and to every single one of my fans, whether or not they've paid me, and I'll tell you why. But not right now. This post is a special thank-you to the people who have financially supported my work. This is for the thousands of people (I still can't believe it) over the years who have either bought a clip from one of the clip store or subscribed to the sister site lostbetsgames.com. In the next post, I'll talk about why I'm grateful to all the fans, but these words are just for the paying ones

(But everyone is welcome to say whatever they want to say or ask whatever they want to ask in the comments, paid or not.)

You. I owe it all to you. Everything, all through this whole unbelievable journey, it's all been thanks to you. Every one of the awesome experiences I've had, I've had because of you. Every one of the amazing sights I've seen, I've seen because of you. Every one of the incredible people I've met, I've met because of you. Because of you, I could bring my entire family to Las Vegas to celebrate my parents's wedding anniversary. I was able to make my sister smile more brightly than I'd seen her smile since her divorce by surprising her with front-row tickets to her favorite musical, because of you. There is no way, by word nor deed nor skywrating, that I could ever be able to adequately express how grateful I feel to all of you. No matter how much you think it is, you're wrong; it's more.

So I hope you understand why I got weirded out when you thanked me. From my perspective, you were showering me with amazing gifts, and thanking me for it. "Here, have some money, and thank you!" "Here, have some more money, and thank you so much!" "Here, take your family on a vacation they'll remember for the rest of their lives, and you're doing such a great job, keep it up!" "Here, here's the down payment for a house, and you are so great! We are so lucky to have you!" 

You can maybe see why it's taken a mental adjustment for me to get comfortable with this, and all I can do is say, um, you're welcome. You're welcome for all the gifts you have given me, of which I haven't enumerated half. You're welcome for all the money, and the house, and the car, and the other car, for my ex-wife. You're welcome for giving me the opportunity to hobnob with porn stars and see hundreds of young women naked. You're welcome for all the applause and acclaim and admiration and appreciation and adulation, and those are just the ones that start with "A". You're welcome for bringing me into contact with so many people who had such a profound impact on me.

You're welcome for changing my life. All of you, every single one. Every time somebody bought a clip or a subscription, I regarded it as a huge compliment. So many people try to sell their creative output, so many would-be singers and musicians and authors and artists and actors and filmmakers. Very few succeed, and I was one of the lucky ones. I've heard that some of the other few lucky successful creatives actually don't like their fans, and I don't understand it at all. How can you feel anything but deep gratitude and love towards the people who make it possible for you to do what you do? I guess some of them must have fan bases that are much more toxic than I, a pornographer, have, but still…

Okay. It's getting late and I guess that's enough for now, but one last thing. Some people have asked about my future plans, whether I was going to do any more shooting. If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago, I would have said, "Absolutely not. I'm disabled and retired. It's out of the question." Now, after receiving so much support and encouragement, I've gone from "absolutely not" to "probably not." There are still some good reasons it's unlikely to happen. But I won't say never.

Placeholder

 Okay, I asked people not to post in the last thread because I was going to make a new post later today, but for crying out loud, it's 2:45 in the morning. I'm going to bed. This is a placeholder, so anyone who has something to say as a place to comment.

Is this thing still on?

Okay, guys. I've been trying to write this for like two weeks, and I keep getting stuck. But there's something I really want to get out there, so I'm just going to cut it short and say what I want to say and publish it. Maybe I'll post more later. Anyway, what I was writing started off with:

To everyone who's been a fan or supporter of lostbets.com.

Over the years, I've tried a number of times on this blog to express the inexpressible gratitude I feel towards you all. I've been taking a trip down Memory Lane lately, and I'm going to try again. Here are the contents of the Shoots folder on my server.

What follows in the current revision is a lengthy recitation of why this list makes me so grateful, but for now I wanted to share something I've been up to lately. By the way, here's another view of my Shoots folder.

24 TB, I can't fucking believe it. Anyway, most of those Shoots folders has a Games subfolder, and each Games folder has a subfolder for each game we shot that day. I've been trying to match each one of those game folders with a published episode number, and here are the results of my work:

LostBets.com catalog of (most) scenes

A few things to note. First, this spreadsheet was mostly generated by an automated script, which attempted to match the scenes with the episodes. It's certainly possible that the script made a mistake, so if you notice an error, please tell me.

Second, one of the main reasons I did this was to find unpublished content, which I knew existed, and it turns out there are about 40 unpublished games. Don't get too excited, though. Many of them had a very good reason for going unpublished. But there are some good ones in there, and I may as well edit and publish them at some point. They're collected in the spreadsheet on a tab labeled Unpublished. Let me know if there any you're particularly excited to see.

(Yes, yes, I know, everybody wants to see Kodak, Bibi, Cody, and Tori. I know.)

And third, after a shoot, I would organize all of the footage from the SD card used in the cameras. All the footage for games I would put in the Games folder, all the footage for POV's I would put in the POV folder, all the footage for promos I would put in the Promos folder, and all of the footage for none of the above went into one of two folders. If it was completely and utterly worthless, it went in the Cutting Room Floor folder. But if it seems like it might possibly have some value, it went in the Outtakes folder. I collected the contents of all of those Outtakes folders on another tab of the spreadsheet. Some of them I didn't even bother to rename from the filenames they had on the camera, so there's no way to tell what's on them without looking at them. Again, let me know if there's anything you're particularly keen on seeing. I'm looking forward to bringing you the best outtakes and BTS footage I can find.

By the way, I've been active on Reddit lately, as u/LostBetsRed. Look me up there; I intend to share some never-seen-before footage, if I can find someplace to host it. (Any recommendations? The various *Tube sites have gotten to be real dicks about letting you upload.)

I won't say that I'm back. I've been gone for too long and broken that promise too frequently in the past to have the credibility to make it again. But at this time, it's my intention to write again, at least if anybody is still listening after so long.